The Block

i’ve had a bit of a case of writers block lately. 

in truth, “lately” has lasted a few months.
i feel and think in immeasurable amounts that i want to express and convey but every time i try to, there seems to be nothing there.
i think the block has been in the way of more than just writing though.
i’ve tried talking about it with various people. i’ve tried working it out in my head. i’ve tried working it out out loud. 
i’m not all the way sure what it is.
i have bits and pieces here and there, but all around there just seems to be this barrier that’s preventing me from being my true self all of the time.

i hesitated writing that sentence, and do you know why? because i care.
i care what people think.
i didn’t used to, but somehow, somewhere, i picked up that little nasty habit and i’ve had a hell of a time shaking it.

writing that sentence was hard too, admitting that out loud, in defined black and white terms, was hard.
maybe that's the first step to getting past the block though.

---

i wrote the above some time ago. and since then i have been doing better. but there is still something there.
still something that’s been inhibiting me from just… being. 

false expectations?
failed endeavors?
fearful wonderings?
shame? fear? doubt?

such horrible cousins, all, those last three.
i’ve heard it said that fear and anger seem to intensify as they leave the body.
i feel those intensities. 
but i think they are in fact on their way out. 
i see the light that’s at the end of the tunnel.
i’m running toward it.

Be

be absent minded

be late

be loud

be quiet 

be messy

be silly

be untucked

be wrong

be mismatched

be haphazard

be crooked

just… be

—a note to myself in moments i feel the need to be perfect

Who Are They?

so often when we think of “them” and “they” we’re really just talking about one person.
what will they think, i can’t do this because of them.
why is it that the opinion of one is masked as that of many in our minds?
is it so that we can justify our fears and insecurities?
that the fear of what a mass of people will think of us is more valid and understandable than the fear of just one?

why do we allow that sort of fear to hinder us to the point of changing our make-up, our being, our natural tendencies, idiosyncrasies and this-is-me’s?

why do we allow the thoughts we have of them distract us from telling our story? 
from sharing our journeys?

for why else have we gone through those trials and errors and high times and low times and accomplishments and setbacks... if not to share them? 

Thoughts On Perfectionism

perfectionism.
a topic i often war with in this day and age of this-just-in methods of self-improvement, articles touting the-five-quick-steps-to whatever your desired goal is, and the varying appeal and allure that is pretty much any beautifully curated social media platform and/or aesthetically pleasing print publication. 
to embrace the messy, the imperfect and the unfiltered in our lives: is a tough war to wage, but a tougher one to win.

so, after some thought provoking conversation with a friend this morning i compiled a little bit of a list that's already helped me immensely. 
i thought i would share it in the event that you too sometimes war with that little this-has-to-be-just-so monster. 

• perfectionism is not self improvement
• it's all of the dreams we don't follow because of our deep fear of failing
• we need to understand the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism
• perfectionism hampers success
• it's the lie of: if i look, live and do perfect i will avoid pain
• in reality the more we strive for perfectionism the more likely we are to experience pain which will often turn into self blame—which is further self destruction
• imperfections are not inadequacies
• perfectionism is other-focused. what will they think?
• in embracing our imperfections we find our truest gifts

Practice Courage

practice courage.

just because it’s been sung before doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sing it. 
just because it’s been written before doesn’t mean you shouldn’t write it.
just because it’s been painted before doesn’t mean you shouldn’t paint it.

because maybe, just maybe, you singing, writing or painting it will be what needs to happen for that one person to hear, read or see it.
to finally actually all-the-way grasp that lesson, that revelation, that idea, that has been put out there before by so many others. 
but you, you putting it out there in the form of your story, your journey, your perspective, is maybe what they need to finally get it.

don’t let the fear and limitation of “it’s been done before” stop you from doing it.

the fact that you have a desire to do it in the first place means something. 
 

A Kind of Latitude

familiarity breeds indifference at times.
a conscious practicing of awareness and appreciation is in order to not take that which is comfortable and familiar for granted.
my scope of experience is in calling this place home.
measuring the distance between my center and when and where i can be in this place is a constant recycling thought like the consistency of waves against a shore.
a kind of latitude. 

What To Do When You're Overwhelmed & Spreading Yourself Too Thin: A 7 Part Guide by A Girl Who Used To Be The Queen Of Doing Too Much

A very dear friend of mine recently asked me:
"What do you do when you feel like you're spreading yourself too thin but have opportunities that are hard to say no to? There's a lot going on which is a good thing, but I'm feeling overwhelmed."

Oh boy did I have thoughts on this subject.
I used to be the queen of doing too much.
Over committing myself, trying to do it all... I worked myself to death (no really, I would literally get sick with how stressed and busy I always was).
And so when I was writing her a little note about it, I realized I had a lot more to say on the matter than would fit in a text. So I decided to make a list. A list I decided to also share with you. Just in case any of you lovely people also need a little prompting or inspiration as to how to get out from under the weight of all of the things you're trying to do all at once. 
Or maybe you're not doing too many things, but you don't feel content and you aren't doing the right things. This list speaks to that as well. 

We are not meant to overwork ourselves, to be stressed, to be always be running around like chickens with their heads cut off. If you're like this, something needs to change.
Delegate.
Ask for help.
Cut something out.
Take time away for yourself.
Put something on the back burner.
Say no. 

I would really love to hear your thoughts on this topic friends.
Let's help encourage one another to cultivate a healthier way of living!
xo

---

What To Do When You're Overwhelmed & Spreading Yourself Too Thin: A 7 Part Guide by A Girl Who Used To Be The Queen Of Doing Too Much

1. Say no.
Just do it. Start saying no. To everything. Okay maybe not everything, but a lot of things. Because you might need to prune and pull back from more than is initially necessary so you have the clearest head possible to start evaluating your commitments. I've found its easiest to start with as clean and empty a slate as possible and add things back as is needed and called for. 

2. Make a list.
Write down every single thing you are committing your time and energy to activity/job/extracurricular/hobby wise. 

3. Pray over the list.
If praying isn't your thing, just get yourself nice and quiet and really and truly ask yourself what of these listed things you really need to do. Sometimes there are things you may want to do but you don't need to do. We can't do everything we want sometimes. Ask what it is You're supposed to do. What's priority. What's best for right now. What's best for later. What's best for never even. Also, sometimes it can seem like you're doing more than you are or stressed more than you need to be, but once you clearly write it down it can free up your mind and help you focus and discern what it is you need to get done. 

4. Trust your instinct/gut/intuition/discernment.
The more I practice this, the more I almost instantaneously know whether or not I should do something when an opportunity presents itself. Even for things as simple as someone asking me to get coffee. If I said yes to everyone who asked me to get coffee or to hang out or to go to an event, I would literally never be home.
And I love my home.
Having time to myself to recharge and rejuvenate is really essential for me so that I can be fully present in the other areas of my life when it's most important. 

5. When new opportunities come business wise- Again, trust your gut.
And say no to most things. I used to say yes to every interview, every feature, every photo opportunity, every collaboration, every shop, every meet up, every craft show and market... But it very quickly became way way way too much. And I realized that most of them weren't even as great as they promised to be, or were worth all of the time and work I put into them for what I got in return. Granted, you need a season of this perhaps to have some different learning experiences, figure out what it is you want and where you want to go. But once you've figured that out, stop saying yes to everything.
Say yes to things that make you want to get out of bed in the morning because you're so excited to be apart of them. Things that you want to do first before all the other things on your to-do list. Things that align with your vision of who you are, who you want to be, where you want to go.
Above all: Do not be afraid of missing out by saying no.
That's living in fear.
That's not who you are.
Opportunities will always be there.
Put the important things first. 

6. Figure out your important things. 
For me: Family, my own well being (health, mentally and physically which also encompasses my passions, dreams and goals) and my friends. Not always in that order but that's honestly what it comes down to for me. The people in my life. I will always put the important people in my life first and before activities and jobs (within reason of course).
This doesn't always look how you would think though. For instance: A great job opportunity that will cause me to miss a friends event will earn me enough extra money to work less the following week so I can take a day off to help my Dad with something important. Or, by skipping a family event because I need to have some alone time after an extra busy work week, which will allow for me to be present and better able to love and serve them at an important get together next time. You get the idea. Just figure out what the important things are in your life to you. Maybe even what your core values are. That honestly was the most helpful aspect for me in figuring out what it is I needed to do with my time and energy.

7. You do not have to explain yourself to people.
You do not have to go into an in depth explanation for everything and everyone you say no to. First of all, most people don't expect that (or a lot of the time even care). Second of all, the people who love and get you, are going to understand. And if they don't.... that's on them, not you.
As long as Your motives are out of love and doing what's best for you and those important people in your life... you're golden.

Don't over think it. 

About Books

these are a few film photos my friend meagan took of me around this time last year and they make me excited for warm weather and books.
one of my favorite combinations. 

summer is coming. 
which means reading. lots of reading.
despite the fact that i have long since been out of school of any kind, and so my summers are no longer regulated and pre-appointed as "free time", i still somehow find it easiest and most natural to read more in the middle-of-the-year-months.
as much as i love curling up by a fire on a wintry day with a novel or snuggling under covers late at night with a biography from whichever musician/artist i'm currently obsessed with, i still find i most often read on beaches in the sun.
on boats in the wind.
on grass in the shade.
which can definitely be done in the aforementioned chilly weather, but is much more pleasant if i'm not overly stiff and stuffed with wearing 45 layers to keep warm.

last week i went sailing and read four books over as many days. a feat i somehow am never able to manage anywhere other than on a boat. it was glorious. i've found that that's truly one of the top reasons i love sailing. with being on a boat day after day, there are few distractions from technology (especially when your phone breaks... eep!) and the outside world and there's almost endless blocks of time to be still, slow down, and get lost amongst the pages of a book. 

i've set myself a lofty goal of reading 50 books this year... we'll see if i make it. but regardless, i'm just happy to once again be in a season that allows for my book worm tendencies to come about more naturally.

books i'm looking forward to reading include...
ani difranco: verses
m train by patti smith
tales of beatnik glory by ed sanders
unabrow: misadventures of a late bloomer by una lamarche
the gorgeous nothing's: emily dickinson's envelope poems
the year of magical thinking by joan didion
east of eden by john steinbeck
and at least half of the 302938 books i have on dorthea lange...
//
what about you?
do you have any reading goals for the year? what's on your reading list?

My Solitude

My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude. —Warsan Shire

Solitude.
This is something I'm accustomed to. 
Growing up we, my siblings and I, were often left alone for hours on end. 
It wasn't neglect, it was an allowance.
An allowance to discover, to play, to explore, to create, to be.
I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't been allowed that time of self discovery and becoming, at such a young age.
I was put in the creative mindset simply by being left alone. I had to learn to figure things out on my own, be resourceful, come up with new solutions to problems and create things of my own accord and so I did.

As I've grown older I realize how rare a quality and ability that is, and as a result it's one I'm more so thankful for possessing.
I don't shy away from doing things by myself. Traveling, eating out, going to the movies, exploring, shopping, going to concerts, and many other pastimes that often are seen as a you-do-this-with-someone sort of activity. 

I even live alone, which is something I've discovered is such a foreign and strange idea for so many people. Something I was unaware of until I did it. 
I'm not saying living alone is for everyone, it's definitely not, and personalities and preferences differ greatly from person to person. But I do think it's important to learn how to be alone. To enjoy it. Because who's with you more often than... well, you? If you don't like spending time with yourself, why would others? This is a cheesy way to look at it sure, but hopefully you get my point. 
I think it's an underestimated trait in a person. To be content in ones own skin and abilities to the extent of not needing to rely on others for your centering and "okay-ness" and sense of worth.
Of course you can swing too far in that direction and then be closed off from people, relationships, and community completely which is something I'm definitely not abdicating for by any means. 
However, I think the stronger and more sure of yourself you are alone, the more capable you are of adding value to those relationships and communities you are in.
Because it's not others, their presence or opinions, that make up our worth and value. And I think we can often forget that when we're constantly surrounded by people.

"Curiously, and importantly, mastering the art of solitude doesn’t make us more antisocial but, to the contrary, better able to connect. By being intimate with our own inner life— that frightening and often foreign landscape that philosopher Martha Nussbaum so eloquently urged us to explore despite our fear— frees us to reach greater, more dimensional intimacy with others."

The above quote is from this article on how to be alone which I ask you to please please please read.
It has far more eloquent and making-more-sense thoughts than mine on this subject. It's one I wholeheartedly agree with and re-read often ever since coming across it.
This quote on cherishing your solitude is one I blogged three years ago but also still relevant.

Feel free to share your thoughts on any of this.
I'd love to hear them. 

You Don’t Tell The Ocean To Behave

being emotional is not a bad thing, it's what we do with those emotions that has potential for disaster.
i have been told countless times that i feel too deeply, too intensely.
that i am irrational. crazy. ridiculous. sensitive.
that i over share and am overly vulnerable.
i'm too much of any one emotion or feeling.

i will warrant that i have been all of those things at certain times, when i've reacted poorly to my emotions.
but to say that every time i feel something deeply is abnormal and something that should be suppressed-denied-retstrained... that's not right.
god created me as this being who has these emotions inside of her.
sometimes one at a time.
sometimes all at once. 
and that's a beautiful thing. 
i think a lot more of us were created to be that way than the world allows for, or than we let on.

we should not suppress-deny-restrain that.
because girl or boy: we are emotional creatures.

the following words are from Eve Ensler's TED Talk and I find them so profoundly moving.
my friend also wrote a post about this with some very wonderful thoughts that i encourage you to read as well.
//

I love being a girl.

I can feel what you’re feeling

as you’re feeling it inside

the feeling

before.

I am an emotional creature.

Things do not come to me

as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas.

They pulse through my organs and legs

and burn up my ears.

I know when your girlfriend’s really pissed off

even though she appears to give you what

you want.

I know when a storm is coming.

I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air.

I can tell you he won’t call back.

It’s a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature.

I love that I do not take things lightly.

Everything is intense to me.

The way I walk in the street.

The way my mother wakes me up.

The way I hear bad news.

The way it’s unbearable when I lose.

I am an emotional creature.

I am connected to everything and everyone.

I was born like that.

Don’t you dare say all negative that it’s a

teenage thing

or it’s only only because I’m a girl.

These feelings make me better.

They make me ready.

They make me present.

They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature.

There is a particular way of knowing.

It’s like the older women somehow forgot.

I rejoice that it’s still in my body.

I know when the coconut’s about to fall.

I know that we’ve pushed the earth too far.

I know my father isn’t coming back.

That no one’s prepared for the fire.

I know that lipstick means

more than show.

I know that boys feel super-insecure

and so-called terrorists are made, not born.

I know that one kiss can take

away all my decision-making ability

and sometimes, you know, it should.

This is not extreme.

It’s a girl thing.

What we would all be

if the big door inside us flew open.

Don’t tell me not to cry.

To calm it down

Not to be so extreme

To be reasonable.

I am an emotional creature.

It’s how the earth got made.

How the wind continues to pollinate.

You don’t tell the Atlantic ocean

to behave.

I am an emotional creature.

Why would you want to shut me down

or turn me off?

I am your remaining memory.

I am connecting you to your source.

Nothing’s been diluted.

Nothing’s leaked out.

I can take you back.

I love that I can feel the inside

of the feelings in you,

even if it stops my life

even if it hurts too much

or takes me off track

even if it breaks my heart.

It makes me responsible.

I am an emotional

I am an emotional, devotional,

incandotional, creature.

And I love, hear me,

I love love love

being a girl.