the dirt of our hurt.
it’s a phrase that’s been running across the mainframe of my brain on repeat ever since it came to me a week or so ago.
i’ve been sitting with it, knowing i have something i need to process and write involving the ideas around it, but i've been running away from doing so.
distracting myself. thinking of other things. or not thinking at all.
but yesterday i woke up and realized i couldn’t continue on that path.
as familiar and often comforting that path of distraction is.
because i’ve been hurting.
and yesterday i made myself sit in it.
which is hard for me.
by which i mean stillness.
even more so when discomfort is surrounding it.
although i’m not one to shy away from growth, changes, newness or hard things.
in fact i often run all-to-willingly towards them.
sometimes put myself in and on their path unnecessarily because i have a hard time without
newness
struggle
change
let’s-try-this
does-this-work.
which then causes unnecessary hurt more often then not.
i am trying to be better at just being.
just sitting.
just processing one-at-a-time.
whether that’s as small as a new moment or as big as a new day.
each as it comes. each in its appointed time.
for someone who’s as addicted to newness and change as i am, it’s been a hard thing to wrestle with.
but i know it’s a wrestling worth putting my arms on the table and fists in the air for.
so today, this week, this month, however-long-i-need-to, i am embracing the dirt of my hurt.
deep.
muddled.
cold.
hard.
dark.
rock filled.
worm eaten.
it’s a place of mess that we often run away from.
left unattended, weeds grow, things become ferrel and wild in the not-good ways.
BUT
so much possibility is held in this dirt.
this very place of pain and overgrown vines and past entanglement.
because once freshly dug into, tilled and stirred up, it is the perfect place for planting.
i had posted this on instagram last week, but i wanted to share it here too.
because it's an idea that i think is really important and i honestly needed re-reminding of this week myself, because i've been feeling slumpy.
(i am mostly blaming this insane weather we've been having. it's 77 one day, 25 the next, my body literally cannot handle it and i feel so off and unwell. i just want some consistency)
hurt.
i’ve somewhat been feeling so off and on for a while now, but have been pushing through it and fighting to feel not so.
i've received much needed words from loved ones in the language of:
do not be so hard on yourself.
and
pain is not necessarily an indicator of something bad, rather an indicator of growth.
and
it is okay to be here.
and
feeling so much all the time is not a bad thing because feelings do have value. but we have to be careful because there is often a discrepancy between our feelings and reality.
and
out of the hard and dirty and painful and messy parts of our lives come the most beautiful pieces of us.
which i know to be true. because i’ve been there. multiple times. i’ve seen that story played out, been a character in it’s telling, written some of the words to it’s story and read the proceeding chapters.
i’ve been in and out and danced with that theme of redemption many a time.
in the dirt of our hurt, we are given a chance to re-plant, re-sow seeds, and start anew.
and there is so much promise and hope in that.
for without the dirt, there would be no flowers.